took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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