I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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