The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
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Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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