so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
