is your mom at the bar?
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
