A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
