so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
