he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
