someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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