She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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