i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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