She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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