Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
