So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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