I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.