I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.