I just threw up on my dentist
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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