Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
