I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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