We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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