Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
