there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You have to summon your inner elephant
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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