We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
