woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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