party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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