I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Pants are for mortals
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
