im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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