Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
