cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
