just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
