there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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