I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we made out on top of his cat.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
