i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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