I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
