I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
