I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
