its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
