i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
