There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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