stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
