Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
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You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
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If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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