I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
