How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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