u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
