I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize