she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
