You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
