My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
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i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
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So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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