and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
What a dumb baby whore.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
