Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
