I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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