So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
