i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
