If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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