Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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