I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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