i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
